35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week

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  • 01
    sam greisman @SAMGREIS - 16h There's some little gay boy out there who just experienced a core memory watching Alysa Liu win a gold medal skating to disco. He's gonna grow up to be a terror, but good for him!
    via SAMGREIS
  • 02
    Django Gold @django • 16h seems my ex-wife has child custodymogged me due to my neglectmaxxing
    via django
  • 03
    alcie ..* @hollanovella • Feb 17 i just know shane hollander would go crazy at a uniqlo
    via hollanovella
  • 04
    elsie @lacdwounds Feb 17 . deleted his timezone off my lock screen hes #losingme
    via lacdwounds
  • 05
    wicked wigger o... @Nick... Feb 17 0 • I just have to look at my phone a little bit more and something incredible will happen
    via Nick_Cerveza
  • 06
    Jackie Hof... @JackieHoff... Feb 17 Ø . God bless the actress who played a patient who had stool removed from her an episode of The Pitt. That's the kind of role I'll end up with if I'm lucky. on
    via JackieHoffman
  • 07
    Sophia @KeruboSk⚫ Feb 17 finally made it out of the talking stage (we don't talk anymore) ...
    via KeruboSk
  • 08
    Arson @DESIØRE Feb 17 • the brand name Oral B is so funny to me. I does the B stand for
    via DESIØRE
  • 09
    troy @BOY TROY • Feb 16 Dahhhhling
    via BOY_TROY
  • 10
    lem... @cigarettesum... Feb 16 0 Me after living to see even more horrors of mankind beyond my comprehension Can something be done about this sadness?
    via cigarettesummer
  • 11
    Your OG @LRNROSE • Feb 16 0 kinda want to delete my linkedin. i wonder how needed it truly is in the grand scheme of things ...
    via LRNROSE
  • 12
    Mads @MadsPosting - Feb 16 Bare minimum Monday Article Talk A Bare minimum Monday (BMM), also known as minimum effort Monday or minimal Mondays refers to an initiative by employees to do the minimal amount of work necessary on Mondays, which mark the start of the work week.[1][2][3]
    via MadsPosting
  • 13
    lil cray-z ... @khusskh... Feb 15 0 • First in my bloodline to get heartbroken by someone i met on the internet
    via khusskhusss
  • 14
    Joseph ... @CaudilloX... Feb 15 Ø • there are two wolves inside you
    via CaudilloXIV
  • 15
    Captain Jean-L... @coint... Feb 15 Wearing a shirt that says "I my trial . the jury" to
    via cointelprostate
  • 16
    evan @rainstormblue · Feb 15 • devil wears prada vs devil wears prada 2 lighting ...
    via rainstormblue
  • 17
    ilove @imsopopular · Feb 14 • Text your ex textuationship "Happy Valentine's day to theoretical us"
    via imsopopu1ar
  • 18
    • rebecca... @stageyrebec... Feb 12 ☑ overheard at the theatre: "they could never put this show (the producers) on in this day and age" ... mind you, we were both sat in the audience for the producers in the west end
    via stageyrebecca
  • 19
    sebastian ca... @bartleb... · Feb 12 every friend group has one • ... the bell hop, concierge, la femme de ménage, porter, page boy, rack clerk, footman, commis de rang, innkeeper, butler, scullery or chamber maid which one are you? 9
    via bartlebytaco
  • 20
    machine yearni... @confu... Feb 11 Ø just tried to sing "it's alright ma, I'm only goonin"" in my best bob dylan and realized I was inventing quagmire from first principles
    via confusionm8trix
  • 21
    The Giggler @melonsodsie • Feb 12 I wish i was high on potenuse
    via melonsodsie
  • 22
    Isaac @isaacturnersong Feb 11 • D in girl. Proceed to the route
    via isaacturnersong
  • 23
    • JY@Idgafwarvet · Feb 11 Texting the sometimes man for sometimes
    via Idgafwarvet
  • 24
    mikey...@Blitheringmi... Feb 11 ☑ • going to Carousel bar in Bushwick: Does anyone want to see my master's degree
    via Blitheringmikey
  • 25
    David Gros... @davidgros.... Feb 11 He's actually saying his favorite artist is Chinese sculptor, photographer, and documentarian Ai Weiwei 24 casey at th... @thebench... Feb 11 dude • Kimbrel SEASON 17 POSITION RHP HOME TOWN HOBBY Huntsville, Outdoors AL HM My wife Kidz FAVORITE ARTIST Ai 12.2K 253 Outdoors FAVORITE ARTIST dz Ai
    via davidgross_man
  • 26
    gaby @gabydvj • Feb 11 slack is a joyless place. but i love sending the salute emoji. makes it all the suffering worth it
    via gabydvj
  • 27
    the thicc husban... @lukei... Feb 9 Ø . it really is funny that there's nothing new under the sun. we've been having the same recurring discourse forever ✰ Yesterday'... @yesterd... • Feb 9 The Binghamton Press, New York, February 9, 1926 Before the movies, where did peo- ple go to do their coughing?
    via lukeisamazing

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